Katy Perry’s mega-Christian mom is apparently shopping a memoir detailing her horror at seeing her daughter’s tits slopping out of her skimpy outfits like two beautiful bags filled with fun and hearing thousands of young people sing along with her satanic anthems about kissing other girls:
As we reported last week, preacher Mary Perry Hudson has been shopping a proposal on how her daughter’s racy lyrics, “foul-mouthed fiancé” — now husband Russell Brand — and suggestive outfits have affected her Christian ministry. In the full proposal obtained by Page Six, she describes her horror at Katy’s outfits: Backstage at a concert, “Katy stepped out from behind the changing doors in a tiny risqué costume. No mother wants to see the top of her daughter’s boobs . . . My first instinct was to order her back behind those doors and demand she put something else on . . . However, I had no problem letting my eyebrows say what I wouldn’t allow my mouth to utter.”
“I recognized the psalmist gift in her performance. Yet she sang out, ‘I kissed a girl, and I liked it,’ while thousands joined her. One part of my heart soared . . . the other part broke for the thousands of hungry souls being fed something that didn’t nourish their spirit, but fed their flesh.”
I wonder if by “psalmist gift” she means dudes jerking off frantically to pictures of her daughters breast on the internet? But either way, I mean, if God didn’t want Katy Perry to have awesome tits he wouldn’t have made them, amirite?
If you’re like me, every time you find yourself watching Dead Man Walking or Bull Durham, you say to yourself “Susan Sarandon’s alright, but she’d be a lot hotter if she had huge tits and a sluttier disposition.” As it turns out, ask and ye shall recieve. It turns out Sarandon has a daughter named Eva Amurri, who not only looks enough like her mother to fulfill any and all Susan Sarandon fantasies, but is also a shitty enough actress to have to pose semi-naked in Maxim to get attention. Thank you based god!
Sometimes, science really is your friend. A five-year German study (authored by a woman, no less) has found that making a habit of staring at a woman’s breasts is not only good for your overall health, but can increase your life expectancy almost as much as regular exercise:
According to Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist and author of the study, gawking at women’s breasts is a healthy practice, almost at par with an intense exercise regime, that prolongs the lifespan of a man by five years.
She added, “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female, is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out.”
What if you stared at a girl’s boobs WHILE working out? Not that I’ve ever done that, I mean, speaking purely hypothetically here. But this is seriously the best health news I’ve heard since last week’s news that people who drink heavily live longer than people who don’t drink at all. From now on, I’m just gonna get drunk and stare at tits all day. By my calculations, that means I’ll probably live forever.
It’s easy to forget that once upon a time, Bon Jovi wasn’t just some half-assed actor who shits out a cliche adult-rock ballad once every couple of years, but was actually a badass New Jersey hair metal band. A new book by the band’s old tour manager includes never-before-seen pics of JBJ being hair-metal as f with naked girls and even details the bands decidedly uncopious drug use. Hey, not everyone can be Nikki Sixx! Your mom probably flashed her tits to this song in ’87 while you were at home playing Monopoly with the babysitter. Do yourself a favor and DL Slippery When Wet next time you’re stealing music off the internet. You’ll thank me later, bro.
Man, Brooke Hogan aka Hulk Hogan Jr. sure was looking good the other day in her black sweater and…wait, that’s actually, her mom, Linda Hogan. I guess Brooke is the one next to her that looks like Dolph Lundgren with tits. Remember when they tried to convince us that Brooke Hogan was hot? And by they I made shitty magazines like FHM and the even shittier record labels who released Brooke’s “music.” Dudes with closet BDSM fantasies may be turned on by broads who can double their max on the incline bench press, but personally, I treat a bitch like 7-Up, never have never will!*
* I actually have no idea what this means, I just heard it in a Snoop Dogg song once and thought it sounded like some cold ass shit to say.
This wedding DJ is obviously a professional of the highest caliber, as evidenced by the effortless transition from “Do the Conga!” Phil Collins’ suicidal dirge “In the Air Tonight.” But what really separates him from the rest, as shown in video above, is his natural ability to play his wife/girlfriend/innocent bystander’s ample tits like octagon-shaped electronic drums. Check the slow-mo replay!
Since Betty White is currently, like, the COOLEST PERSON EVAR! it’s only fitting that she join in the coolest trend for famous women since plastic surgery: the surfacing of scandalous old pictures/sex tapes/donkey shows. In White’s case, the photos (at least the ones that have been dug up from the archives so far) are pretty tame. Just a couple of her sitting around showing off her tits and that weird sucked-in waist thing that girls used to try to rock back then (check the links for somewhat NSFW pics). No WIN has surfaced, yet. But White is apparently not too happy that these pictures are getting into the hands of her loyal internet fanbase, who definitely can’t fap to the modern Betty White no matter how hard they may try. Ah the price of fame!
