It’s no big news that, in his prime, Aerosmith frontman and current American Idol judge Steven Tyler may have tried drugs, maybe once or twice. But in his new book, “Does the Noise In My Head Bother You?” released this past week, Tyler also admits that he tried having sex with dudes but that “Gay sex just doesn’t do it for me. I tried it one time when I was younger, but I just didn’t dig it.” Maybe he just didn’t try it with the right dude? Or in the right position? I mean, if you’re curious enough to “try” doing another dude, at least give it a few times to see if it catches. But I guess Tyler had other shit to do at the time, such as lines of cocaine off the six foot long dressing room mirrors that Aerosmith put on their rider for every show:
One of the things we always put in our riders was that the promoter had to provide in the dressing room a full-length, 6-foot-long mirror. I would take the local promoter’s rep into the dressing room and he’d say, “Well, there’s the 6-foot mirror you requested, Steven.” And I’d say, “I can see the mirror all right, but where the f**k’s the 3-foot razor blade?”
Check out this amazing short video from Vans, telling the story of Dennis Martinez 1977 World Freestyle Skating Champion and 1978 US Skating Champion. After losing his career and his life to drugs and crime, Martinez is now working with the San Diego Training Center trying to help former convicts and addicts turn their lives around.
The NY Post tracked down Andrew Dice Clay, who is apparently enjoying a post-comedy career as pirate, to ask him his opinion about Gilbert Godfried getting fired from his job as the AFLAC duck for posting off colored tweets about the Japanese earthquake. Instead, the Dice Man took the opportunity to express his somewhat low opinion of Charlie Sheen:
“Nobody has got the balls to tell this guy how f***ed up he is. He’s on TV terrorizing newscasters because they’ve seen him waving a f***ing machete in the air. He’s f***ing saying, ‘I’m winning.’
“Let me tell you something Charlie, I used to be a big fan of what you do, you did some great movies in the past, you had the opportunity to be on one of the greatest sitcoms of this f***ing decade and then you go on TV and promote f***ing drugs, you call that winning?”
And there’s more.
“You call winning when there’s f***ing custody battles, your kids are being taken from you and you’re living with two f***ing porno actresses that I could watch on YouTube, (bleeping) myself off and shut on the off button?
“And then you go on TV and promote f***ing drugs. You call that f***ing winning when you get f***ing fired from a hit f***ing sitcom? You call that winning?
“And you think you’re f***ing winning going from a hit show to a f***ing cooking show tossing a f***ing salad?”
“I’m sick of watching the Charlie f***ing Sheen show.”
Clay ended his angry explosion telling Sheen, “You’re not a rock star, you’re not a comic. You’re the biggest f***ing loser in the world as far as I’m concerned, okay? Go get the help you f***ing need.”
PROTIP: Those words with the stars are various iterations of the word “fuck” that I was too lazy to edit out. Also: remember when Andrew Dice Clay was awesome? Probably not because that was like 20 years ago. But at least he’s got an eyepatch now, so that’s something.
If you were a teenager in the ’90s and were at all into rock music chances are you had a boner for D’Arcy Wretzky, the former bass player for Smashing Pumpkins. However, the 12 years since she got kicked out of the band in 1999 have apparently not been too kind to D’Arcy, as shown by the above hard-off inducing mug shot. In the years since falling out of the limelight Wretzky had become something of a recluse (I mean, you can kind of see why), moving to a horse farm in rural Michigan and more or less staying safely hidden away in the spank banks of late-twentysomethings, young and pretty forever. Until her horses got out and her neighbors got pissed and called the cops. 4 missed court dates later and D’Arcy was arrested and taken to jail and this picture was taken, totally ruining everything. Thanks neighbors! FUCKERS!! That’s OK though, we’ll just stare at this picture for a few hours and scream “THE KILLER IN ME IS THE KILLER IN YOU” over and over until our minds are clean.
Not that anyone cares anymore (especially since they broke up and Liam went on to form Beady Eye who officially blow hard…), but Oasis used to be the epitome of rock ‘n’ roll, man. Definitely Maybe and (What’s The Story) Morning Glory were legitimately badass records. Their last record wasn’t all that bad either, but that’s neither here nor there.
Point of the story is, Oasis (and their fans) used to get the eff down like no other. Here’s Liam describing one particular fan’s drug habits in a recent interview:
I’ve got bad skin. I’ve got psoriasis all over my fucking body. Everywhere except for me face. And every now and again on me head. Everyone’s backstage and this geezer comes up to me off his tits. Going ‘I ain’t seen Oasis for fucking years, fucking great’ and I’m going ‘yeah, all right’. And he goes to his mate, ‘look Steve, he’s even got cocaine in his hair’. And he pulls a bit of shits out of me hair.
Dude ends up snorting Liam’s dandruff and (presumably) rages on some sort of half-breed dandruff-infused high the likes of which could only be accurately detailed by the late, great Hunter S.
Children of the ’80s will remember that fictitious scourge of the grade-school set, the Blue Star tattoo, laced with LSD and guaranteed to get you hooked on drugs, FOREVER! Nevermind that no one had ever had seen or heard of anyone ever actually seeing anyone get offered, let alone accept one of these acid tabs from the doubtlessly unshaven trench-coated local purveyor of psychedelics hell-bent on addicted the youth of his small town to hard drugs. Our teachers and school administrators weren’t taking any chances man! We learned more about Blue Star tattoos and how to not accept one of them then we did about multiplication, spelling, grammar or any of those other, less important school functions. In the ’80s, “saying no” to drugs was the only lesson plan. And we learned well, too, since no child of the ’80s ever grew up to abuse any sort of drug of any…well, you know. ANYWAY, vigilant Oklahoma officials have uncovered a plot even more nefarious than the Blue Sticker campaign, in which evil musicians are flooding the internet with mp3 files, that get you high just by listening to them!! It’s called I-Dosing, and it will ruin your kids lives forever with just one listen! Better check that iPod mom, your child could be in league with the devil, from the convenience and comfort of his portable media device!
In his new book, Dr. George Nichopoulos – who was the personal physician to Elvis Presley for the last decade of his life and was there the day he died-says that the King died not from heart problems, as long reported, but rather chronic constipation:
The doctor, who attempted to resuscitate Elvis on the day of his death, said that it wasn’t until the autopsy that he realised how severe the constipation had been. According to Dr Nichopoulos, the autopsy found Elvis’s colon to be five to six inches in diameter, compared to an average of two to three inches. And rather than the standard four to five feet long, Elvis’s colon was eight to nine feet.
Elvis had apparently been suffering from severe constipation for some time, which Dr. Nichopoulos says was the cause of his weight gain in later years, as well as more than a few onstage “accidents”:
Dr Nichopoulos also says that Elvis’s weight gain in the years before his death was at least partly due to his constipation.
‘During the last few years we were going back and comparing pictures, some of them were taken just two weeks a part but he looked like he’d gained 20 pounds when the only difference was that he had a good healthy bowel movement and then lost a lot of weight from that,’ he said.
He said that although he offered Elvis a colostomy, to remove part of his bowel, his pride meant he rejected the treatment. And Dr Nichopoulos thinks that if Elvis had undergone the treatment he might still be alive today. “He would get embarrassed, he’d have accidents onstage,” said Dr. Nichopoulos. “He’d have to change clothes and come back because of the way we were trying to treat his constipation.”
I did always think late-career white jumpsuit Elvis had a “I just shit my pants” kind of look. I guess the moral of the story here is, don’t do drugs, but if you do do drugs, at least get some dulcalax in the mix every once in awhile so you don’t end up with six months worth of shit piled up in your nine foot colon, or if all else fails, don’t let anybody cut you open after you die because then they’ll write a book about it 30 years later.
Ah, how time heals all wounds! Just three days ago, professional head smasher Tito Ortiz and reformed pornstar Jenna Jameson were engaged in the mother of all public break-ups, with Jameson calling the police on Ortiz for domestic abuse and Ortiz returning fire with allegations that Jameson was hooked on drugs. A scant 72 hours later, however, the couple were falling over each to be the first to tell TMZ (aka everyone) that it was all just a big misunderstanding:
Jenna, who accused Tito of injuring her during an argument, now tells TMZ, “What actually happened has now been dramatically distorted and misinterpreted and remarks that both Tito and I made after the police arrived reflect the state of shock that we were both in.” Translation — he didn’t hurt me.
As for Tito, we’re told he’s now backing off what he strongly insinuated … that Jenna is an OxyContin addict. We’re told Tito’s position now is that he found two OxyContin pills and may have jumped to conclusions. Tito’s lawyer, Chip Matthews, tells TMZ the whole thing was “a big misunderstanding.”
Also worth mentioning of course, is the fact as reported by TMZ that, were Ortiz to be prosecuted on Domestic Abuse charges, he would stand to lose around $15 million from various UFC-related and other contracts, which I’m sure helped jog Jameson’s memory real quick like. Ah celebreality! Like real reality only stupider!
